cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
