Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
