Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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