Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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