I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
