On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
