is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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