I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
