i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
