how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
dude. I can hear the air.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
