I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
