does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Randomize
