I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
