Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The adults are the big ones right?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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