dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
