Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
