My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
