You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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