The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
