Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
