Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
