six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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