I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
