So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
