Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
