i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
