she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
