btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
