Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
