The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
