I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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