At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
