i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
