he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
