seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize