these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
