So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
