I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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