I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
