mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
