Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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