Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
