I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
