Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
