Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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