I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
