hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
