Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
