Michael Bay diarrhea
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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