Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
ugly people sure do ruin things
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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